The one thing everybody missed about Far Cry 3
A great deal has already been said about Far Cry 3. The excellent performance of Michael Mando as Vaas, the balance of stealth and action gameplay and the need to kill more animals than Cruella de Vil to make a wallet and backpack have all been written about on numerous other websites in great detail. It has received a cornucopia of nines, tens as well as dozens of awards and nominations.
Yet amongst all these accolades and awards, something has been missed. Rook island is filled with various flora and fauna, vehicles, weapons and characters as well as ruins, relics and Japanese WWII mail. Everything in the game, from main characters like Jason down to the littlest shrub has a lovingly crafted description that combines helpful information with a humor that seems more Blood Dragon than vanila Far Cry 3. These hidden gems are buried deep so that only the most dedicated fluff readers will find them, but I’ve dug out a few of my favourite to share with you.
Keith Ramsay: Your friend Keith Ramsay, the ibanker. In college, he was a friend of the DKC fraternity. Did you know he was caught cheating on several tests, but his pops bailed him out? Also, he has subscriptions to over 20 online porn sites. The more you know…
Hoyt’s Privateers: This is the tale of Hoyt’s privateers, hired guns with hearts full of lead. Some hail from armies, some recruited raw, all intend big profits from the end of your life. They are the true power on the island…and finally now I’m sick of this song.
Badtown: Chances are no other town in the world lives up to its name better than Badtown, or no other name is less imaginative. I mean come on, couldn’t it have been Dark Town? Night Town? Lost Town? Celebration? Regardless, this place is packed with privateers and pirates.
6P9: This Russian pistol first showed up in the groovy 1960s, designed by the not so groovy pinko (pardon my French) Spetsnaz. Those on Rook Island come from a batch of surplus arms sold to local pirates by a general looking to fluff up his local retirement fund and his sex life. The deal included hundreds of 6P9 handguns, extra parts, ammunition and one thousand hookers…a day.
Vector .45 ACP: This sub machinegun stole the limelight in 2006. It sports a unique recoil system which makes it easy to control while laying on the trigger. Basically, that means you can throw lead downrange and it won’t be scattered all over the place like the dignity of an old man at a children’s urinal.
M133: The M133 is a Russian pump-action shotgun, as opposed to Natasha, who does Russian pump-action down at the docks. The gun was designed for civilian and law enforcement use. These relatively inexpensive shotguns were purchased in bulk by Vaas and his men.
Mine: These mines have motion sensors instead of relying on tripwires. Sounds like my ex-wife’s garage opener. Hey, there’s an idea…
MS16: The MS16 is an updated take on an American assault rifle that dates back to the Vietnam War. Today, rifles like this are commonly used by Special Forces soldiers and SWAT teams with nothing better to blow their budgets on. The MS16s here were brought in by mail order. Hey, not every weapon on Rook Island has a sordid history. So sue me.
Cargo Truck: These old cargo trucks were brought in to haul equipment for the phosphate mines. Now they serve as troop transports for the Rakyat. We’re really trying to recycle on Rook Island, for instance, you’ll notice the bodies placed in compost heaps. Every little bit helps.
Parachute: Parachutes aren’t very common on Rook Island. Oh yeah, and make sure to watch out for the bags of pots and pans disguised as parachutes.
Wingsuit: This design is top secret. Do not, under any form of torture, no matter what is done to you, tell Hollywood I stole it from a prop warehouse.
Ziplines: Hey, what’re you doing using electrical cables as zip lines? It’s not like they were placed there for you to use by some higher being. Kids are so entitled today. One day one of those is going to lead straight into a volcano, mark my words.
Black Panther: The rare black panther that roams the island and is said to be darker than night or Turkish back hair.
Bull Shark: Bull sharks are extremely common around Rook Island and live in both saltwater and freshwater. They also bear a striking resemblance to my ex’s mother-in-law (note: Hyena and FiRE MUNki pointed out to me that this should be either ‘ex mother-in-law or my ex’s mother, because as it is here it’s referring to the writer’s mother, but this is how it appears in the game so we’ve decided to leave it unchanged), but her two staples are vodka and gin.
Cassowary: Cassowaries are rare flightless birds that Rook natives once traded as a valuable commodity. And that is probably the silliest sentence I have ever wrote.
Crocodile: Crocodiles are responsible for most of the animal-related deaths on Rook, because there’s this coming-of-age-ritual where young men have to tap a crocodile on the snout with a stick. Reminds me of Thursday nights with my ex-wife.
Goat: Gos have been on Rook Island for as long as people can remember and are used for food, clothing, and more. Islanders consider goat theft a serious offense and shun anyone who commits this crime. Goat loving, however, is condoned as long as you hoof it after. Get it? Hoof it? Come on, can’t an old man have a little fun with animals?
Komodo Dragon: The Komodo is a preadator that preys on everything from birds to deer. Getting bitten by a Komodo dragon is both painful and dangerous due to the numerous septic pathogens found in their saliva, as opposed to the numerous septic pathogens found in my ex-wife’s, which only results in temporary paralysis and not sweet merciful death.
White Tiger: White tigers are the result of a recessive mutant strain amongst Bengal tigers. They were once so rare that the tigers were frequently inbred, like European Kings or reality TV stars.
Heliconia: The heliconia plant is beloved by locals. You can find it used as a decoration all over Rook Island. Just be sure not to kill anyone underneath. The flowers trap their soul for all time. Oh whoops, that’s from this fantasy novel I’m reading. Ignore that.
Lotus Flower: The sacred lotus is used to mark holy areas, meaning priests adorn temples, graves and places of worship with them. It is forbidden to remove a sacred lotus one it’s been set down by a holy person. So the lotuses just sit there. Meaning life is just a process in which everything is gradually covered by a coat of rotten lotus blossoms. And then you die. Merry Christmas, kids.
Tiare: This fragrant plant is often worn by young women. It carries a simple scent and is associated with youth, whereas older women achieve the same effect by bathing in the blood of their husbands’murdered dreams.